Big Picture Big Sound

Pain "Cone"

A hot summer's day and it's sickeningly sticky outside. How to slake your thirst? Some prefer the allure of the Sno Cone, a simple concoction of shaved ice and chemically flavored water. The ices industry is pretty big here in America. As an aside, if you ever want to try top-notch ices, and you find yourself anywhere near the borough of Queens in New York City, make a beeline for Lemon Ice King of Corona, a stones-throw from where the New York Mets play in Flushing.

In case you're wondering whether you have stumbled upon a food review instead of a film review, don't worry. I just needed to say something positive and encouraging before I began venting my frustration and distaste for a film I was just unfortunate enough to sit through, entitled "Sno Cone, Inc". I was shackled to my chair by my hands and ankles and my eyelids were pinned open a la "A Clockwork Orange". OK, perhaps I'm exaggerating but it sure did feel that way. If it weren't for this being a job requirement, I would never have made it through the entire film.

The "story" (such as it is) revolves around three twenty-something stock broker trainees working at a company where stereotypical characters abound. Disheartened and disgusted by their jobs, the three friends seek an alternative means of earning a living, eventually stumbling upon buying a truck that sells the titular treat! This venture morphs into another opportunity which eventually leads to them becoming multi-millionaires in the BBQ sauce industry. I usually have stringent rules when writing a review, with the primary one being to not reveal how it all turns out, but if by revealing the flimsy plot I can keep only one poor soul from having to endure this utter waste of celluloid, I will feel as if I have performed a public service.

According to the credits, Tony Sirico (The Sopranos) is the "star" of this mess, playing the lads' employer. The fact that he only appears in 3 or 4 scenes and has only one piece of dialog that lasts for more than 5 seconds suggests that perhaps he is here to pick up a paycheck. Sirico essentially reprises his Paulie Walnuts role from The Sopranos. I don't blame him for cashing in, and if you think I'd ever say a negative word about Mr. Walnuts, you're insane. He might be a make-believe character but I'm not leaving anything to chance. The other actor sharing top-billing is Morgan Fairchild, and while she has a few more lines and scenes than Mr. Walnuts, she has little if anything to do with the core plot. By the way, whoever her "make-up artist" is, he or she is immensely talented. She appears to have been transported directly into this film from the year 1980.

Yes, I know that I'm telling you very little about the film itself. Perhaps it is too painful to dredge up the memories of this torturous viewing experience. For those who feel the need to know more, let me relate the only positives I took away from the experience: it looks professional; the music is pretty fair; and there are some good looking people wandering in and out of the frame. This concludes the positives.

The negatives would include the lack of a coherent plot or climax, no inciting incident at the beginning to provide the motivation for the characters' actions, a story that meanders, no evidence of why many of the scenes even appear in the film, disinterested and passionless acting performances, (not you Paulie, you were awesome) and no sense of urgency. In short, the film boils down to a few uninspired performances by exceedingly unfunny people riffing in a way that may have seemed funny if presented in someone's living room, but only if the audience were completely wasted.

The most amazing thing about "Sno Cone Inc" is that it is supposedly a comedy. At least this is an assumption I have made based on various cues in the film. However, I challenge anyone who is not in a drug-induced stupor to tell me that they so much as smiled, let alone laughed, at any point. Most of all, I wonder how a film like this ever got financed. Could it be that on paper this looked like a potential winner and the problem was with its execution? I don't think so. What the audience is left with is a sense that something is missing, that they are only seeing part of a film or an incomplete one. This just doesn't feel like a finished product. Perhaps it was edited and re-edited umpteen times looking for the hidden gem of a film they thought was buried within. Well guess what? They didn't find it.

There are bad films that achieve cult classic status just based on how bad they are. But this isn't one of them. It's not campy, fun, ridiculous bad - it's just plain bad. Please, if you ever come into contact with this "Sno Cone Inc", do yourself the favor of walking right past it. Just having watched it all the way through, I feel like a little piece of me died inside. Don't let that happen to you.