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Something is wrong with Godzilla. What exactly ails him is unclear. All we know is that he can't seem to stop trudging through European cities, causing incomparable property damage, unintentionally/unknowingly killing hundreds of thousands with every step he takes, and taking out fellow titans. It's, like, his day job. And when you perform well at your place of employment, you get promoted. For Godzilla, this takes its form in added strength. Also, the spikes on his back turn pink with every ensuing rampage. You'd think this would bring cheer to the king kaiju, but you'd be wrong. He seems depressed, taking solace in one thing and one thing only: Naps inside the Colosseum.

Something, too, is wrong with Kong. Down on (in? I still don't know) Hollow Earth, creatures are distressed, Kong among them. Logic tells us that a new big bad must be roaming about his domain, disrupting the balance of the biosphere. Scientific, electromagnetic (I think?) readings corroborate theories about a rival, non-Godzilla monster (more on this later, not that it matters), But this is all being seen from a 3,000-foot perch, in laboratories and safeguarded chambers far from any titanic wrath, where theory can only get you so far. In reality, Kong's unrest stems from the humblest of ailments: our chimp has a toothache.

You can tell by its title that, indeed, a new empire is bound to form in "Godzilla x Kong: A New Empire," the newest entry in Warner Bros. x Legendary's seemingly endless slog of a Monsterverse. But before these two beasts can team up to take on previously unseen enemies, these grievances must get sorted out. Godzilla requires shut eye; Kong needs a dentist. And in short order, both receive such aid. News broadcasts seem to employ constant feeds from a helicopter above the Colosseum in order to monitor Godzilla's mental state, and to let him do what big dinosaurs must do in order to recharge. Kong's simpler problem - well, as simple as removing an achy canine from a gorilla the size of a small island can be - is swiftly tended to by a Hawaiian-shirted dude named Trapper who looks and talks an awfully lot like Dan Stevens. He descends from a helicopter that blasts Loverboy from its speaker system. It's joyful and silly, not something I've necessarily come to expect from films centering on these titular behemoths. Fool me once...

The dream, the hope, the overarching prayer that one could only have for films as inherently stupid as the Godzilla and/or Kong stories under the WB-label is that they would embrace that stupidity head on. And on its surface, Adam Wingard's second Monsterversian effort does: it poses the idea that, while Godzilla and Kong clearly can't stand each other - or have ego-related self-esteem issues when another big bad is in the fore - teaming up to take down this movie's two big bads is a better use of their time, and will in turn benefit humanity. But in execution, "Godzilla x Kong" prioritizes human instinct and emotion far too often for its monster mayhem to ever truly sing. In short: why did this movie need to feature any humans at all?

It's a question to which you might say, "A movie has to have humans, you dolt", or better yet, "Why would we come see a movie without movie stars, DOLT?" And 97 percent of the time, I'd agree with you. But do you watch the "Chicken Run" films to see how farmers manage chaos? Do you watch "Toy Story" to see how Andy handles his family's childhood-altering mood? Perhaps the most one-to-one argument I can pose is, do you fire up "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" (2011) to see how James Franco's pharmaceutical career will pan out?

You watch those movies for the chickens, the toys, and the apes. And sure, human characters serve as a "necessary" element to these films in that they spell out stakes, but I think any audience has the wherewithal to put two and two together with this one. The main villain here is a giant monkey called the Skar King, who carries around something called a "whipslash", which is basically another monster's spine with a blue crystalline blade at the tip. The Skar King's trusty steed - the Bullseye to his Woody - is an icy Godzilla knockoff called Shimo; chilly fella. The blade at the end of Skar's whip can control Shimo, directing him toward enemies that need defeating. Now, class, what do we think this film wants Godzilla and Kong to do about these heels?

If your first (and only) guess was "KILL THEM!", you get half credit, because you forgot how important the values of friendship and family are to both Godzilla and Kong, noted softies. For the life of me, I can't figure out why "Godzilla x Kong" needs Rebecca Hall's Dr. Ilene Andrews and her adopted daughter (Kaylee Hottle) to have a double-edged identity crisis about how home means something different for everyone. (I'm convinced that their main purpose for being on set was to work in the most startling car commercial I've ever seen in a movie; possibly worse than Barbie.) Dan Stevens and Brian Tyree Henry, who play the aforementioned Trapper and a conspiracy-theorist/podcaster named Bernie Hayes, respectively, exist solely to provide comic relief to the disaster film "Godzilla x Kong" so desperately wants to be. But their chummy supporting arcs always end up tripping over themselves on their way to be in doting service of Hall's strand of the plot.

And then there's the introduction of a "mini Kong," as Tyree Henry exclaims upon this little tike's arrival, a computer-generated cross between Dobby and Haley Atwell's character in "Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning" that offers nothing but headaches for big Kong. He's helping Kong, and then he's not, and then he's a double-agent, and then he roars, and then he's a hero, but is he, no, now he's a scamp, oh, wait... hopefully you get the picture, although it doesn't matter all that much. The point is that, however much time we spend on these monsters attempting to bash one another's heads in, there's always another expository distraction - read: involving the humans - lingering around the corner to sour our mood.

Admittedly, I'm not sure how a wordless romp would land with moviegoers. It's likely that a film of that nature would be a narrative failure, unfolding like a video game campaign with a perpetually-checked "Skip Cinematic" button. But I'd argue that "Godzilla x Kong" would've been a more enjoyable viewing experience with that framework in place, rather than making an attempt to piece side missions together like a puzzle's border as though the whole point of the puzzle wasn't the two monsters in the middle. Not to mention, when those side missions are as heavy as they are, they clash with the inconsequential violence that provides the film's core, the thing we all bought tickets to see in the first place.

A film like, fittingly, 2023's Oscar-winning Toho production, "Godzilla: Minus One" has the facilities to adequately tell this sort of multi-pronged tale. Its post-war backdrop is ideal for a chronicle of nationalistic uprising against the monster-ified representation of nuclear warfare. "Godzilla x Kong"'s itch to be taken seriously as both an emotional hero's journey and an extension of IP is its kryptonite; this is a movie begging for someone to laugh at its expense - or, plainly, its existence. If only the brass behind greenlighting the mangled CGI rot that opened in theaters this weekend had any clue that that's how it should've been presented.