Henry VIII yells cut. Someone had to.

Henry VIII was the King of England in the early 16th century but the reason most of us know of him is because he liked marrying lots of women and for his penchant for beheading people, including his wife, Anne. "The Other Boleyn Girl" focuses on his time spent with the Boleyn sisters, Anne (Natalie Portman) and the younger Mary (Scarlett Johansson). Never mind that Natalie and Scarlett could not look any more different. The chances of these two springing from the same parents is zero. But it is a movie so we can look past that.

Their father, Sir Thomas Boleyn (Mark Rylance) along with his brother-in-law, the Duke of Norfolk (David Morrissey), is determined to have his daughters marry into royalty to help pull his family out of debt. Thomas and especially the Duke will stop at nothing to accomplish their goal, even if it entails whoring the young girls out. The girls' mother, Lady Elizabeth Boleyn (Kristin Scott Thomas) is the lone voice of reason but she is a female living in the 16th century so her power amounts to nothing. She can make the occasional snide remark but that's about it.

When we first meet Henry VIII (Eric Bana) we are struck by his good looks and his shoulders being wider than any football player you have ever seen. All the men here have similar builds but Henry looks like he couldn't fit through the widest of doors. He fancies the Boleyn girls. Then again, he fancies lots of girls, despite his already being married. Mary is sweet and unassuming while Anne is her plotting, evil counterpart. Mary falls for the King and Anne is none too happy about it, looking to undermine Mary every step of the way. Their fortunes go back and forth as Anne manipulates the proceedings.

Director Justin Chadwick has set out to make this into a sweeping epic. The problem with doing that is that if you fall short, you fall flat on your face. Chadwick's face must be shaped like a pancake after this endeavor. Directing as if it were a third rate television soap opera, Chadwick realizes that the lack of tension in the film must be trumped up by loud music so that the audience can awaken from its stupor and realize that a very important scene must be taking place. Despite these attempts to rouse us into a state of heightened tension, the most serious scenes often elicit giggling at the heavy handedness.

Portman and Johansson are two of our best young actresses but their talents are truly wasted here. When we eventually tally up their acting portfolios with career achievement awards, you can be real sure that this film will not be mentioned in either of their respective retrospectives. In fact, "The Other Boleyn Girl" is so forgettable that I'm already feeling it fade away. Thankfully.