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Moustache Defeats Hitler and Bigfoot

When you hear that there's a movie with the title "The Man Who Killed Hitler and then the Bigfoot" coming out, it's difficult to imagine that it has even the slightest chance of being any good. It's hard enough to believe that it even exists and that someone isn't playing a practical joke on you. It is real and it's every bit as bad as you might imagine. That a group of people thought this was a good idea and execution is a mystery worth the investigation of a special prosecutor.

Calvin Barr (Sam Elliott, "A Star Is Born") is this special man, although Elliott only portrays the older version of Calvin. A lot of this film features Aidan Turner ("The Hobbit" trilogy) as the younger Calvin and he is the one who kills Hitler. Elliott offs The Bigfoot.

Early on, we watch the younger Calvin in the minutes leading up to his task and then him completing it. He's an agent dressed as a Nazi in order to gain entry into Hitler's private office. Calvin has to get through freakishly weak security and while doing so a close-up of a wristwatch worn by a Nazi shows us the face of a watch that has a swastika as the hands of the watch. That told me I was watching a comedy. Turns out I was wrong, so who knows what that watch is about.

Flashbacks abound here and we are tossed back and forth among timeframes incessantly. The two prime ones are present-day, and post WWII. The latter is a device to wedge in a totally unbelievable love story between Calvin and the fair schoolmarm, Maxine (Caitlin FitzGerald, Succession). Like most everything else, it falls incredibly flat.

In present-day life, Calvin is an incredibly relaxed older man leading as unremarkable as possible life in small-town New England, where no one speaks like they are from New England. His brother Ed (Larry Miller, "10 Things I Hate About You") is the town barber in a shop that resembles a slightly updated Floyds on the Andy Griffith show. Ed is an affable fellow, but other than that he serves no deep purpose to the story.

Enter a gentleman called Flag Pin (Ron Livingston, "Tully"), an agent sent by the U.S. government. He comes to Calvin as a last hope to save the world. Bigfoot is on the loose and he's on a killing spree.

Compounding the situation is the fact that Bigfoot is also spreading a deadly disease. Calvin, it has been determined, is the only man who can save the world because of his rare blood type that makes him immune to being infected by the disease. Why Bigfoot can't just be tracked, located, and shot by a young man instead of turning to a senior citizen is unexplained.

Predictably, Bigfoot looks like an actor in a getup from the props department and Calvin's pursuit of him also strains belief to the point of stupidity. If this were a superhero movie, maybe. Then again, maybe this is a superhero movie. It's certainly not any other type of movie. Add a half-star to my review if you're a lifelong fan of Sam Elliott's moustache.