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Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets Review

By Matthew Passantino

Space Idiocy

Luc Besson has made the movie he set out to make and has wanted to make for a while. That's great for him but where does that leave audiences who choose to buy a ticket to "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets?"

That's one of several issues plaguing Besson's latest creation. Who is this movie for? Because it often feels like he only made it for himself. He is so wrapped up in bringing this tale to the big screen - and already hoping to spawn a few subsequent sequels - that he's forgotten to make an inclusive experience. This is a 90-minute film stretched to a sluggish 137 minutes, which makes "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets" more alienating than inviting.

Thankfully, "Valerian" is gorgeous to look at, so while its narrative is often lackluster, the movie is always visually stunning. Besson throws every conceivable color, creature, and special effect at the screen, hoping that it will take shape into a coherent picture, but the results are wildly uneven.

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"Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets" begins with a sequence set to David Bowie's "Space Oddity," which is as on-the-nose as you could imagine. Shortly after, we meet Major Valerian (Dane DeHaan), a swaggering space cadet, who is trying to romance his partner, Sergeant Laureline (Carla Delevingne), who wants nothing to do with his advances. He even proposes to her early on in the film. She scoffs, as she typically does throughout the entire movie.

There is a great deal going on in "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets," but good luck trying to weed through all of the excess to figure out what the central story is. At its simplest: Valerian and Laureline are sent on a mission by Commander Filitt (Clive Owen) to protect the city of Alpha from some nefarious space danger.

As they travel throughout Alpha, Valerian continues to court Laureline and she continues to refuse. DeHaan and Delevingne are supposed to have a bickering rapport but neither of the actors are able to spark any kind of chemistry - contentious or otherwise - between them. DeHaan plays up the swaggering bravado of Valerian to the point of caricature, whereas Delevingne simply reads her lines as flat as possible.

I haven't even mentioned the part where Ethan Hawke shows up as Jolly the Pimp, gleefully chewing all of the scenery in the matter of minutes, or when Rihanna appears as Bubbles, a shape-shifting dancer. It's all as bizarre as it sounds.

When the credits finally roll on the movie, you will leave tired and groggy from the sensory overload but deeply confused about what you just watched. Besson has created a massive spectacle but forgot to put anything resembling substance within.

What did you think?

Movie title Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
Release year 2017
MPAA Rating PG-13
Our rating
Summary "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets" is visually stunning but simultaneously overloaded and narratively empty.
View all articles by Matthew Passantino
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