"Money" Can't Buy Laughs

"Mad Money" starts with a pretty simple premise. Three women who work for the Federal Reserve Bank of Kansas City decide to systematically steal soon-to-be-shredded currency and make their dreams come true. Oh wait, did I say simple premise? I meant preposterous premise. But I suppose a film like "Mad Money" could have worked as a satire about greed and consumerism. And there are hints of that in Glenn Gers' lethargic script, which was itself based on a British TV movie named "Hot Money". This American "Mad" still feels a bit like a TV movie; it's not dark enough for satire or funny enough for straight comedy. It just goes through the motions until its inevitably unsatisfying conclusion.

It doesn't help that the three female characters aren't particularly interesting. Katie Holmes, continuing to squander a once-promising career, makes the odd choice to play a Chrissy Snow-level ditz. Queen Latifah is on auto-pilot as the noble black single mom and, for a time, the film's sole voice of reason. Even with this dearth of material, though, the newly-crowned Golden Globe winner is able to generate a few moments of authenticity. The real problem with the film is Diane Keaton's Bridget Cardigan - the film's would-be criminal mastermind. Ms. Keaton's inherent charm can - and has - carried even the most shrill material. But this Bridget character is worse than greedy. She's a spoiled, privileged princess who simply never entertains the thought of leaving her cushy lifestyle behind.

You see, Bridget's husband (Ted Danson, in fine, hapless comic form) has been downsized by "those stupid multinational corporations" - that's what passes for commentary in Mr. Gers' script. Unable to find a job in a year, the Cardigan's find themselves almost $300,000 in debt. Never mind the fact that the couple is still living in their palatial country estate or (you've got to be kidding) that they still retain a cleaning woman. Instead of downsizing themselves, Bridget decides to get a job. Unfortunately, due to her many years outside the workforce (and a degree in Comparative Literature), she ends up cleaning toilets at the Federal Reserve Bank. Here, surrounded by stacks of used cash, she almost immediately concocts a plan to rob the place blind - despite, or perhaps because of, a tightly-wound security force led by the always-welcome Stephen Root. And since Jeremy Irons isn't available (this was, after all, the plot of "Die Hard 3"), Bridget drags her two cohorts down with her.

If there were a genre of comic heist movies - the "Ocean's" films, "Fun with Dick and Jane" - "Mad Money" would like to be a part of it. "Money" is directed generically by Callie Khouri (who wrote "Thelma & Louise", of all things - so much for female empowerment). The plot - which involves a gaping hole in the shredding process - is not clever enough and the characters not likeable enough to make the film nearly as cute as it wants to be (much like 2005's ill-conceived "Dick and Jane" remake). Worse yet, once the women steal enough to pay off their respective debts, they keep stealing. I found myself thinking "walk away, just walk away". Even after a few close calls, they simply won't stop. When these are supposed to be a film's protagonists, this kind of behavior is worse than stupid and worse than greedy. It's just not funny.